Amends

an apology

2009-01-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry. To any of you who will still be reading this blog, I am sorry for my previous post. As indicated, I've had a lot of difficulties of late, and that was me lashing out in the only way I knew that wouldn't hurt someone. I will still be blogging. The problem was that I didn't realize that my logic was incomplete: its only selfish if I do it only so that she'll like me. I like the person I am now, and whether or not she has feelings for me doesn't change that. Besides, if she doesn't like me now, she certainly won't like me if I hit a slump. All I can do is be the man that I aspire to be, and hope that she loves me for it. If not, I know many others who do, and that's more than enough for me.

Sorry I was so selfish,

L.F. Braley

Conclusion

2008-12-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

The intention of this blog was for me to have a catalyst from which I could make a transformation from. For the last year or so, I've been making it my upmost endeavor to better myself in every way. Why? Because I was in love. Well, let me rephrase that; I loved someone. I still do, but saying that I was in love implies that she felt the same way. Everything I am now, I am because I wanted to offer her more than I had to give.

With the help of a friend, I came to the definite conclusion that this woman has no interest in me whatsoever. It was common sense, really, but I was too blinded by my feelings for her to even realize it. These changes I've brought on upon myself have only made me appealing to her as a sister would feel for her loving brother, (something which I hadn't anticipated.) I want so badly to not be affected by this, to just be the guy that she needs, but right now I'm at the point where my head is in physical agony from the pain, and frankly, It's just too much.

This will be my last post on Amends. I'm going to leave this post up until the last day in January, and then I'm going to strip this blog from existence. The reason for this is that I realized a fundemental flaw in my logic: I made the assumption that my motives for changing were right and good. The only problem with that is that I had figured that if I were to improve myself, she would fall for me, like good karma for my actions. That in itself was selfish, that I made this transformation for her means nothing if it was also for me. No one actually reads this blog anyway, so this post in itself means very little. Those who do read this know me in real life. If you want to say something, talk to me, (that is, if you even read this.)

If ever I were to find out that I am wrong, and that she does have feelings for me, I'll be back. Somehow, I doubt that will ever be an issue.

L.F. Braley

Creative Boredom

2008-12-23T12:08:00.001-08:00

Ok, so for the last few days, I've been decisively bored. Why? Partly as a coping mechanism, and partly because I've got no one to talk to or do anything with. Anyway, I've just been doing things to keep from going insane. So, if your as bored as I am, you can read some of the weird things I do to keep myself occupied. Who knows, if your really that bored, you might even try them yourself.

First, there's the normal stuff, like reading, writing, and gaming. If your looking for a good series to read, may i suggest the Harry Dresden series, or better yet, anything written by Terry Pratchett? If your into those "Twilight" books, then you might also enjoy the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charline Harris. Writing poetry is always good, and writing a novella or short story is always fun. As for gaming, can anyone say, "Super Smash Brothers Brawl?"

Then, there's the seasonal stuff. Wrapping presents, setting up the "non-denominational, politically correct pine tree." I spent a FORTUNE this xmas on presents for my friends and family this year, and that always is a good way to distract you from ANYTHING.

Finally, there's the weird stuff. These are things that I do that even make me think I'm insane. One of the things I like to do is try and peel a tangerine all in one band. A cool variation of this is if you peel the center, then flip the top and bottom caps so that it takes roughly the shape of an apple core. Another fun thing to do, (if your insane, like me,) is to come up with parodic lyrics for your favorite songs, (or holiday songs. Tis the season.) If your lazy, you can settle for making titles for songs that make them more interesting, (all I want for christmas is my two front teeth... a nuclear warhead, and a deathstar.)

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

Tis the season

2008-12-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas is never an easy time of year, (at least, not for me.) Its not like I don't have a supportive group of family or friends, its just that all of the worst stuff that happens to me occurs around this time of year, (oddly enough.) A brief glimpse into whats going on in my life: death of a friend, 2 friends who like me that I want to stay friends with, and another girl who, although I like, I'm almost definitely never going to get to date. That mixed in with a job I hate, and a declining pair of grandparents whom I love so very much. But, this isn't about me.

I happen to know two people, (who shall remain anonymous,) that are hit with a VERY deep depression right now. One of my friends got kicked out of his home by his parents, and his "friends" who have taken him in or "been there" for him in his time of need have been taking advantage of him. Another friend has had her parents divorce recently, and is basically the one taking care of her three siblings. If you are one of these people, who is sad or depressed, I'm here for you. Just email or call me anytime, and I'll drop whatever I am doing. I promise.

Also, I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I've been told that when I post every weekday, its hard to keep up, so I'm aiming at anywhere between 10-15 posts a month now. If you would like to comment on this change, please do. Comments are the only way I know what you think.

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

On Human Intimacy

2008-12-11T11:42:00.000-08:00

loneliness is a terrible thing. Not only is it terrible, but it is one of the most common and painful maladies people face today. There are many factors that have been identified, (rise of obesity and depression, different expectations and the technological age.) As such, human intimacy has had a downturn in the last century. Younger and younger people are engaging in "mature" actions, and in today's culture, intimacy has been confused with things exclusively sexual in nature.

I don't really know what to say about this... only that it saddens me greatly that human intimacy has devolved into such a state. Just being there for someone isn't really something that is done anymore, at least, not in all circles. Communities suffer for want of their common man's compassion, and the result is depression.

To date, this is my shortest post. Mostly because talking about this feels awkward to me, a testament to just how true and dire the situation is. I think that the only thing we can do is to learn to show a little compassion and empathy for our fellow man, and that we not be afraid of sharing with one another.

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

apathy, political policy, and a good dose of Thomas Jefferson

2008-12-10T12:11:00.000-08:00

Politics are of the most fickle nature. I've never been one for politics, but I do try my best to follow the major political changes our country undergoes. I do, however, enjoy history and the lessons that it teaches us. Still, my impression of this whole business is that a) true history is an oxymoron and b) from what we can discern from our forefathers, we, as a nation's people, have grown sadly apathetic to the processes of our government.

Thomas Jefferson said that every generation needs a new revolution. He was, of course, not saying that we should take up arms against our government every 20 or so years. Rather, he was saying that we as a people should never ever become complacent with the actions of our governing body. Basically, if you don't like something that is happening in congress, the senate or anywhere in public life, speak up!

The problem with our form of government, (if one were to ask my opinion,) is that although our voice is supposedly heard through our "representatives," it seems that they don't always choose to stand with the majority or even what they deem as right. Lobbying is abundant nowadays, and even one vote swayed by it essentially silences the voices of millions of people. On the other hand, a pure, Athenian democracy would be worse; mob rule favors only the majority.

So, what are we to do? We are long overdo for a revolution. What's ended up happening is that over the last hundred years, America has suffered from improper representation in D.C. Power seeks out as much of itself as it can find, and that is true of every system.

I am not writing this in an attempt to persuade your opinion of the way our government should be run. I am merely recognizing a correlation between the current unhappy state of our government, (war in Iraq, The Department of Homeland Security, the patriot act, etc.) guided by a lack of good representation and the tendency for our government to become more and more centralized. The power of the states have never been weaker than they are now. Why are states rights important? Because each state representative is responsible for representing a smaller body of people, (which means that representing their views and needs more precisely is possible.) That, and the fact that lobbying is harder to achieve when a) the decision of one state representative has little to no affect on the whole United States and, b) there are too many state representatives in the whole country to make a worthwhile affect on the outcome of decisions.

Thanks for tolerating my ramblings,

L.F. Braley

Advice from me, to me

2008-12-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

"Death has been consuming the thoughts of the living since the dawn of man." This phrase comes from a dream I had. In this dream, I walked into a random house that I was walking by on the sidewalk. I didn't know why at first, but it seemed familiar somehow. As I explored the home, the only thing that was going through my mind was, "My god. I know this place..." I meandered my way over to the bedroom, and saw an old crippled man on his death bed. He was me, unmistakably.

I sat down and began to talk to him. I asked him how his life was, if he was happy with how things turned out, etc. After talking to him for a while, I grew scared. If I was him, and he was me, then I was watching myself die. Only after I awoke did I realize how ironic that was, considering the conversation to come. He (I?) must have realized my (his?) fear, and replied, "Lucas, do not fret. The one bane of man is his recurring contemplation of the negative. You mustn't do so. Death has been consuming the thoughts of the living since the dawn of man. If you truly want a happy life, then the thing you must do is just to go right out and live it."

This has been in my mind all day. I don't know why, but for some reason, the contents of this dream have been indelibly carved into my brain. I will not forget this dream or its message ever. I'd write more, but I'm about to go and heed my own advice.

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

Why I love people

2008-12-08T14:03:00.000-08:00

Let me first take a moment to apologize to you. I forgot to mention that I do take a breather during the weekends, so I only post during the work week, (sorry I didn't mention this sooner.) Secondly, I am sorry it took so long for me to post today, I just got home after a DI meeting. From now on, Mondays will have a later post than most days, and again, I apologize for any inconvenience.

Anyway, I've had a rough few weeks. There have been many complications in my life of late, among them is an old friend of mine who only has a few weeks to live. My feelings have been all over the place recently, and I haven't really been myself of late. Part of me is lonely, part of me is sad and all of me is muddled in the blurry haze of the human condition.

But, something unexpected cheered me up today. As I mentioned earlier, I am a member of a "Destination Imagination" team. I've found that, through DI, I have secured a friendship or two that have made the transition back to normality a bit easier. Even just sitting there, listening to them chat about a book I have no intention of reading, (Twilight... shudder...) made me so much happier just to see them enjoy themselves.

Later, as I was on the late bus, another oddity occurred. Per usual, the kids were acting outlandish and rude, and even got to a point where the bus driver was on the verge of tears. He was so frustrated and so worried about getting these kids home SAFELY, that he was actually crying. So, as I was getting off the bus at my stop, having learned a lesson from the days events, I walked up to him and said, "Hey, have a good night!" with a smile on my face and as happy-looking a nod I could muster. He smiled back, and replied, "Thank you. You too, friend."

The lesson: Your actions affect others in more ways than you know. Keep that in mind, as it may help you out later in life.

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

Me

2008-12-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

In case any of you were unaware, I am a Junior in High School. People who don't know me sometimes have a hard time grasping that fact. I'm not sure why... its not as if I look particularly old or anything like that, (though the fact that I'm more frequently conversing with teachers than I am with my peers might add to it.) Anyway, I figured that, this being a blog and all, I should probably talk a bit about myself.

I am 16, and will be so until next march. I am 6 ft tall with mouse brown hair and blue eyes. I love to write, read, and learn, and will do so as oft I am able (basically, I'm an academic at heart.) I work as a Director of Film with EpicFace Productions and volunteer at Langdon place as their resident nerd. Now you know what I am.

When I was fourteen, my narcissism and a lack of tact got me hospitalized with a concussion and multiple contusions. I came away from the incident with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and my depression got worse. A year and a half later, I rebounded, and vowed to make amends with the world for how I'd acted in the past. Now you know why I am what I am.

I'm mixed, politically speaking. I guess you could call me a centralist with liberal tendencies. I have recently developed an interest in philosophy, and have been reading everything from Plato to Emerson. I am a proud member of the Order of Demolay. I listen to alternative rock, and am a bit of a musician myself. Now you know who I am.

How I am... isn't an easy question for me to answer. I'm more interested in how you are. All of you. Now you know why this blog's focus is rarely on me...

Thanks,
L.F. Braley

Risky Business

2008-12-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

Life is too short. I know, shocker, but the fact that its obvious doesn't make it any less relevant. It just seems more and more apparent to me now as I work with the elderly. One of the residents talked about how Langdon Place gets new stuff all the time because the residents who die leave their things behind. That, tied with the fact that one of my resident friends is dying, has made the above statement a thing that all but consumes my thought processes of late. He and I talked, and one thing stood out above all else. He told me to take any opportunity I see, regardless of the risks. This was not exactly what I had expected, but after thinking about it, it makes sense.
This, of course, doesn't mean that I am going to take astronomical risks without due reason, but rather that the next time I'm in a situation where I see possibilities, I shouldn't dismiss them just because of potential danger. In short terms: Live in the now, but don't forget about tomorrow.
This may seem to be a little off topic, but I'd like to use the concept of religion as a model. There are two possibilities: either there is a god, (or gods, depending on your religious preferences,) or there isn't. If there is a god, then our actions on this earth reflect a glimpse of our soul. Since no one knows the exact nature of god, one can only set their moral standards based on their own conscious. To do otherwise is just lying to yourself. If there isn't a god, than all that matters is what we do here and now. Without a god, the only hope one can have is that their actions on this earth mattered. My point: Don't let ultimatums be the guide of your conscious, unless your the one who set them. "You can't change the direction of the wind, only adjust your sails."
Unfortunately, know one can know for sure if there is a god; that's why its called "faith." So, keeping in mind our own mortality, it seems to me that whether or not there is a god; what we do here is of the utmost importance. So, the next time you have a life altering choice to make, and you don't know what to do, think of the opportunities... (but don't forget, god or no god, your choice is what matters the most.)

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

The only love advice I'll ever give

2008-12-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

Love is a very odd thing. Yes, you've probably heard this a million times before... However, it is still a concept which I, (still a teenager,) am still exploring. During the last few days, I've come to realize this more and more as I've witnessed such blatant examples demonstrating it this week. Since my love life consists of little to no substance: it has been only through others that I've witnessed such interesting events.
Yesterday, I watched as a friend of mine was scolded by his girlfriend after his beverage was knocked over, it's contents poured onto the floor around a booklet of his. Why do I mention this? Because it was not he, but she who knocked it over in the first place. They argued, she stormed off, then came back two seconds later and apologized... Am I the only one who finds this odd?
You'd think that these two wouldn't really be poster children for a long healthy relationship... But you'd be wrong. They've gone past their first year anniversary without showing any signs of slowing down, arguments and all. Obviously, love is not predictable, and it seems that its unpredictability is part of what makes it so appealing. When routine is applied to every aspect of modern life: It is only natural that we have at least one means of refuge.
Though unpredictability may be an aspect of love, it isn't necessarily a good one. Unwanted pregnancy is mostly what I am referring to, but there are other things that can go wrong. Still, I have to say that even in an unfortunate situation like unplanned pregnancy, there can be a silver lining. I have a friend who has just recently become a father. His son, Cedric, was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. He couldn't breath on his own for a couple of hours. In such a terrifying situation, a silver lining is very difficult to find. But, Cedric recovered quickly, and is now out and about at 7 lbs after a week of life. To see how happy his father was the day I met Cedric, and to hold Cedric in my arms, was to me evidence of his father's conviction; as well as Cedric's bright future. Unpredictability has its many ups, as well as many downs.
The only thing that I can say for love is that, while logic is not a factor, it can be and frequently is a beautiful sight. Again, being inexperienced with being in a relationship means that my impression is based mostly on those around me. You may totally disagree with me about all of this, and that's ok. For those of you who don't, I'm glad I can help. The only advice that I can give: The person that's there for you at the end of a long day is probably your best bet, and don't let limitations get in your way. Everyone faces road blocks, and the couples that make it in the long run do so by driving through those obstacles, arguments and all.

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

Why I love the job I hate

2008-12-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

I work Tuesdays and Thursdays at a retirement home called Langdon Place as a volunteer computer teacher. My job entails teaching the elderly to perform the basic and essential functions of a personal computer so that they have another way of staying in touch with the world outside. Though Langdon Place isn't, (strictly speaking,) my favorite place to be, it is a great case study of the human condition.
Let me first state that I am amazed at the response that I get when I tell people about my job. Some of them pat me on the back, some laugh, some apologize as if they had inquired about a subject too painful to talk of. The truth is that it isn't the residents that bother me, its the apathy. There seems to be no initiative at the nursing home to supply these residents with the tools they need. Its almost as if there has been a conscious decision to only offer my services to certain residents, and let the rest sit there, unable to get the help they need. This could be easily fixed by scheduling on a weekly basis, but that idea hasn't been popular to those it may concern.
I find it endlessly fascinating to see how the elderly interact. Before coming to work here, my impression of what it means to be old was more or less synonymous with stoicism and wisdom. It's interesting to see that they act more or less the way we do. They bicker, fight, make crude jokes, talk about their love life and attend Sunday mass, (something I even neglect to do.) Their dockets are brimming with "To-Dos." Certainly, they are still wise, and even at times stoic. Still, even though it might seem obvious that they act as we do, it's nevertheless fascinating to see just how true that is.
It feels good to be helping them connect with their loved ones, and I know for a fact I'm helping, (however few residents I'm allowed to see.) There are times when its incredibly frustrating at Langdon place, and yet there are also times where I am thoroughly excited. I've got friends there, (mostly residents.) I've discovered that no matter how wearisome my experience there is, helping others, (especially those who are unable to help themselves,) will always be something that gives me joy.

Thanks,

L.F. Braley

My Sad Realization

2008-12-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Today, I was on the late bus, riding home with a flock of younger children. In that space, I was clearly the oldest individual, (save the bus driver, of course.) The whole lot of them were fervent and excited. They were jumping, screaming,and sticking body parts out of the windows. They'd talk of such colorful subjects as: their sex life, drug experiences, who went to third base with who, who had a larger, more powerful rifle, (clearly the term "euphemism," hadn't yet entered their vocabulary.)
This, sadly, has become commonplace for the freshmen-sophomore age group. My first instinct was to be angry at them. How dare they act so childish and immature! After being absolutely flustered by their preposterousness for ten to twenty minutes or so, I began to think about the situation a bit further; and the result of my thought processes saddened me greatly.
To think what these kids must deal with every day was too much to stomach at first. Whether or not we admit it, the human race as a whole is selfish by nature. Not intentionally, but think about it: When you get into an argument with a person, do you always stop to consider where they are coming from? Neither do I. So while I do still disapprove of these children's behavior, I have one thing to say for them: I don't envy them, and I certainly don't think they are "spoiled." New Hampshire isn't exactly renowned for good parenting, and I can only imagine the amount of crap they've had to go through to act out as selfishly as they do. I've come to notice that no matter how hard life is for everyone alive, people only act selfish as a survival instinct. We genuinely, as a race, want to do what is right and good. When someone acts out, I think they do so because they don't know what else to do.
Believe it or not, I was not always the poster child of good behavior. I was narcissistic, tactless and crude; and the thing that got me out of that hole was owning my poor habits, and making amends. This is a message from me, both victim and villain, to you: the next time you see someone upset, acting out, or just not in a good place, think. Just think about where they are at. I'm not trying to excuse their behavior, only noting that the only way to solve this problem is by helping them, not by showing disdain.

Thanks,

L. F. Braley